How Much Fear of Failure Do I Have?
Wow. As I begin to emerge from the little cocoon I’ve been resting in, I’ll be curious to see how it shows up; the integration of major foundational movement in Peru, plus application back in the US. And now it’s on.
It’s up to me to decide how much I believe the fear of failure. How much I let the haters hate (and of course, our version shows up in “spiritual people” format).
How much I am willing to get out of my own way to let the release underneath the ego flow, and find the balance between my spirit, my self, and my Life Purpose (or “Love Offering” as I will be using for the duration of the blog.)
After the ego pop from the last blog (and basically around the time Infinite Light was back in session, my job being done by other apprentices) I noticed a long, slow building happening within my body and mind.
Maybe that erratic, stressful, full-packed interpreting workweek had something to do with it (I was trying to keep Luco paid on the off-season…but alas, I am not a superhuman after all). I took out another loan and felt some relief (for now) from the financial stressers. I cut my work hours down to 20. That had to be it. But it wasn’t.
It must be all the stress-eating (eating on the go, crappy food, lack of exercise). That must be it. But it wasn’t. I didn’t even quite see it as a “thing”…just kind of adjusted to being stressed out and mildly irritable most of the time.
Almost actually unhappy, or teetering on the line. I didn’t want to do process work with anyone (I couldn’t actually, no juice). I literally just wanted to watch TV and do nothing.
During a moment of overlap between the relationship ego pop and this process, I made a choice. I had to. I wanted out of this crappy space, and I was gonna take it.
I had my own ceremony with the Medicine spirits (not the physical plant) and tapped into the real-time one that Luco was running out in Peru. I got some relief. I also knew it was time for me to go back, even if it was just for a blink.
As the Medicine and the Universe would have it, a two-week long job I was scheduled for fell through, and the money fell into my lap. With the time off and the means and a moment of intuition, I closed my eyes and booked a plane ticket. I was going out to Peru for Group 5.
Ahh – Group 5. The last of the groups that had, at the same time, all four of the Organizational Apprentices (Luco pulled the “Lead Apprentice” title because it was messing with our collective ego – thank God:)
I had been talking to them in between each group for hours racking up my Skype credit, and doing countless back-and-forths supporting them from afar. And now I was going to get to spend a whole group with them! Beautiful side bonus to my spirit calling for my ass on the ceremony floor.
So right away shit started popping off. I won’t go into details of the apprentices’ work but they did hella fantastic hard-as-hell ego work. And on the last night, after supporting them through theirs, so did I.
Processed Down the Rabbit Hole
In a pregnant moment, something in me asked a couple of them for help in processing me through something. It was the “trapped inner artist” block, the only known actual “block” that I haven’t been able to shake. I was fighting it – I registered for an Autobiogrophy Writing course at the university where I work (which starts in about two hours! Yay I’m so excited!)
My writing is my voice. It’s my story. It’s my Love Offering. It’s me. It’s all I have to give. And whatever is slowing her down had to be crumbled.
So we processed. All the way down the rabbit hole of deep core beliefs, in search of the fear chord that was keeping my voice trapped. And we found it – the black pit of fear-based energy messing with my pure flow and integrity as a spirit. The “gotta pay my dues” syndrome.
Past Life Guilt Energy Pattern
It all came blazingly clear. The intense white guilt I felt since I was a child. The draw to minority cultures to subconsciously balance out something happening in the depths of my little baby psyche. The urgent desire to help people, even when it is clear that is better for me not to. Selfless act of kindness? Looked that way to me. Damn the arrogant ego can be so tricky. Wrong!
Through the eyes of the fear, if I wasn’t helping people as much as humanly possible, I had no right to be here. I would be Pointless. Worthless. Nothing. I would be cheating, and await some karmic punishment down the line for skirting my ‘duties’.
When I heard myself say these things out loud, it really shocked the hell out of me. I understood logically this was coming from the fear, but the doubt (what if I’m wrong!?) took a minute to weed through as well.
But when I really stepped out of it, and looked with more objective eyes – did that sound like my Heart or Higher Self talking?
Not a bit. It actually sounded like depths of some of the more fear-based aspects of religion passed on through the roots of our generations, still deeply seeped in the collective consciousness. The concept of not being inherently valuable…I have to do something to create worth.
Is My Essence Enough?
Could it not be possible (says my Higher Self) that your essence, your spirit, is the value? And that you are not on Earth by accident, and you don’t have a big debt to repay? Maybe you are here because God just wanted you here, period. Why all the head-trip and guilty ego to slow you down from shining your real light?
So I took it into ceremony that night. And a huge layer of blind-spot arrogant ego peeled off like an opaque veil I didn’t even know was there (these types of ego veils are big deals…this is my third one, and each took about a year of prep work to get there – and it’s hard as hell!
Especially since I was behind a blindspot and didn’t even know what was going on lol).
But as it released, it made even more sense. Holding the intention to integrate closer to my True Self naturally realigns out certain ego aspects. The work on it, even with blinders, keeps it moving, until (for me anyway) it creates a dissonance…enough of a pressure under the big layer as it’s getting ready to pop (mine felt like, duh, two months of stress).
And when I went down and investigated what was in there, I went into the vulnerable place it was protecting…the place I didn’t want to go…and just the act of going there allowed it to shift. And allowed me to see a bright, shiny, clear side on the other side of that broken-down roof.
Underneath the layer was clarity after clarity. Questions I had about money, writing, Life Purpose, eating, relationships…clear, clear, clear, clear and clear. It was just clear under there. And of course, they were all related.
“Whatever piece of you that is still holding on to Luco, you have to let it go. You cannot be together and do this work at the same time. Let go of the old form Meghan, and let go into your new love…” (damn, I didn’t even realize I was really doing that! Blinders… But that feels very resonant and freeing inside)
“This is not your “old food addictions” flaring up, or even stress-eating. This is distraction. Keep yourself slow and sluggish so you’re too tired to write, or do emails, or process work with people. This is you slowing your roll out of fear. Yes, you’re future has a ton of potential. And I know that potential may mean even more eyes on you.
But shifting sideways when you need to go straight doesn’t do anything but allow those you are afraid will judge you to keep you stuck in a darker place that your light could be shining. Don’t let them win. There will always be haters, in all kind of sneaky forms. Go baby, fly…
Same thing, higher level. Yeah, I know you’re scared of the big boys of the Ayahuasca World…so what? You all have nothing to do with eachother, except for you all work in the Medicine. It’s your own ego that is worried that they’re going to somehow bring you down. And that fear that you’re going to publish something, then grow afterward and “change your perspective?”
Yep, totally going to happen. Everyone’s a work in progress. How much you care what people think about yours is your own ego. If you are good within yourself, and in as much integrity as you can muster, all you’re doing is sharing your experience. Telling your story.
No one died and made you (or anyone else, for that matter) authority on anything, much less something like the Medicine. Just relax, and hang out and chat, and don’t worry about anything else. Do you, by being you.
On Life Purpose
Here is the difference between what you were doing before (which was about 85% true desire to help people and 15% perceived “spiritual obligation”) – it was, in some part, coming from a need, versus a desire. Now that you’ve spotted it, you can let it go, knowing that it is totally okay to do whatever you so choose with this beautiful little lifetime of yours.
Different choices yield different experiences of course, but ain’t nothing wrong at all with the Blue Pill. And stop judging people who choose it, because now you’re starting to understand a tiny bit why the Red Pill option can be just a little intense, hmm? (yes, lol).
And seriously, sometimes you need to let people fall. Obviously there are emergencies, but you didn’t get as strong as you are by having someone hand hold you along the way. What is the quote? “The strength the butterfly gains from the struggle out of the cocoon, is the same strength needed for it to fly”.
You are not responsible for holding up the entire Universe. Unless they are seriously suicidal or something, there are appropriate times to let them work through something on their own, without you always making them “feel better”. Did you get this far from feeling great 100% of the time?
Let the Divine do it’s job and orchestrate this. You have extremely strong intuition. You know when to step up and support and when to let go. No more co-dependent savior deals! And the term “Life Purpose”…that implies it is the reason you’re on Earth. “Love Offering”…a choice.
A want, not a need. Much more pure. Much more love. Much more relief. And if you want to take more time for yourself, do it! The world will not come to a grinding halt, I promise. Do your thing babe, but always from a place of love…as pure as you can:)
Ooh, your toughest challenge. The “spiritual debt” translated to financial debt (same concept). How far do you have to go before you’ve “paid your dues”? You’re trying to fill an unfillable hole. Pop a cork in the bottom, because it’s all in your head.
Will people judge you for making a living out of doing spiritual work? Absolutely. Will you stop? You could always shut down Infinite Light and go back to a nice, stable, 9 to 5 doing something that does not live up to the kind of Love Offering you want to give.
What about the price-raising struggle? You’ve tried, and run the numbers over and over. How much more debt are you in now to try to keep the cost down?
Being reasonable makes absolute sense, and the money can clearly not be the top priority in order to stay in integrity. But it must be a priority, because we happen to live in a world where things cost money.
I’ve heard them all, I swear…“Jesus didn’t charge money for his services…” (how much was his mortgage?) “Taking money for Medicine work is prostituting a sacred ceremony…” (this is the one that stabs my heart the most – the ones that question my integrity in the Medicine…)
Meghan, judgement is judgement. Hate is hate. Are you in integrity, for real, with the money? Yes. Then that’s it! Fuck ’em! Sorry to be brash, but seriously, a lot of people and things are depending on you thickening up your skin a little and doing what needs to be done. What about Luco? The village? The jobs that have been created? The money that goes back into the economy?
And you know what? If they want to know where all the money is going (since it’s a common thought that you’re chillin’ in a new Ferrari) tell them. Make it transparent. How much is the investment debt for Infinite Light? More than $100k! And you’re still paying just the interest!
Be transparent. Who cares. This money thing is stunting Life Purpose/Love Offerings all over the place. And those who finally break through their own ego enough to do it anyway catch even more shit from the “spiritual haters” (who all practice non-judgment and compassion, of course.) Jealousy? Resentment? Arrogance? Who the hell knows.
Are you in integrity? Yes. Then go forth, my child, go. There will be detours, and blocks, and wolves in sheeps’ clothing. You made it this far. If you stop now, other people will give you shit for “selling out” to the haters. You can’t win at the Ego game. Just do you, be you. And live to your potential. Let your Light shine as brightly as you choose. And let the other crap roll off.
Honey, it’s Time to Fly
Breathe. So that’s where I am now. A lot to take in. But I am tired of fucking around. I’m tired of little bits of people-pleaser and arrogance showing up in my blogs. I am a human, with human emotions. I am no role model for Ayahuasca or anything else.
I have no desire to be a “shaman” per se, or a title of healer or an anything else. I just want to be, and share what that looks like as it evolves. Will I lose people along the way? Of course. Will I bond with new people? Gladly:) I’m just me, and that’s all I need. I am en route to freedom. And I will fly. Watch me;)
~ Meghan Shannon Elder @wildspiritualride
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