We Give Up!
Not on the inner work or the friendship of course! On trying to keep up with blogging about this crazy process. It just has moved so fast and is so experientially deep, it started to feel like we were forcing ourselves to write about it instead of just being present and having the experience. I know itâs been awhile, but weâre being present and all is growing and evolving in amazing ways:)
Also, Zach has also discovered that he really doesnât like blogging lol. He likes the sharing part, but blogposts just arenât his medium. So weâll go back to me for now (sharing about both of our process, with permission from him), and potentially play with other mediums if that presents. For now, you have to just ask him what you want to know đ
So weâll share the few posts that had been drafted previously, then will do a mega catchup so we can try to ride this time warp in a more present state (anyone watch The Good Place? Jeremy Bearimy realness!)
Sometime in Mid-June
Deep Structures from Parental Dynamics
I woke up the other morning after a big night of processing and felt anger coming out (purge-style). I wasnât sure exactly what it was about yet, but I knew I was purging. I was irritated that my dad was walking around on the phone, not noticing that Iâd been crying. Knowing this was likely a projection given my purging state, I left the house and began the long morning commute from Northern Virginia to DC.
I let myself feel the anger so it would release safely (hence it explodes if we hold feelings – and I was driving in rush hour so I had to be super mindful!) I recognized what it was – years of trapped anger I wouldnât let myself feel towards my dad.Â
Those of you who know my dad know heâs a great guy. Heâs been loving, caring, supportive. Open-minded in the ways I need him to be. Let me be myself growing up. There wouldnât be obvious reason why I would have trapped anger around him.Â
Older Generations Trained Not to Feel or Express
The thing was, he was sensitive. Which is fine by nature, but since he didnât have the tools to do this kind of work (plus, different generation – heâs 75 now) after his long, slow-burn fuse would hit itâs end, heâd emotionally shut down for long periods of time when I was a kid. Only got mad once in a blue moon.
While I appreciate the intention of trying not to get mad, what inadvertently happened was my little baby rescuer began to form in response. Since I didnât want him to shut down, I found myself âprotectingâ him (unconsciously) from his own emotions (avoiding the days long emotional shut down that affects a kid quite a bit).
Original Rescuer
Hence, my âoriginal rescuerâ was born, in fear of emotional âabandonmentâ (I wasnât ever worried about him physically abandoning me, but I think it somehow translated that way later why I always felt the need to manipulate people to become dependent on me and stay).
Another aspect was that in turn, I projected all of that anger onto my mom (because subconsciously, I felt like she could âtake itâ – basically vilifying her in not so many words). She did her best to handle it, but often ended up âover-correctingâ my dadâs âlook the other wayâ parenting style by being unnecessarily anal and bossy.
They also had equal joint custody since I was six, where the juxtaposition between the two extremes of parenting styles (and theyâre inability to communicate, even though they tried) probably exacerbated and hardened my beliefs about each one of them. Though real talk, it was a small price to pay. It wouldâve been much, much worse if theyâd tried to stay married.Â
Family NarrativesÂ
Since I did have an overall very loving, positive childhood, there was also a family narrative about how âcleanâ the divorce had been. My momâs one regret in the process was not putting me in therapy when I didnât have an emotional reaction (and in turn started gaining weight – initial stuffing of feelings through food).
The narrative carried us through, but it felt like turning on my family to even recognize that there still may be some shit under there, even knowing full well everyone does the best they can, they were very loving and Iâm happy how I turned out. So I didnât even see that there was anything to look at until I got pregnant, married and divorced.Â
Why I Crave Physical Affection
A third aspect I discovered had to do with physical affection (shocking, I know!) Several family members and I (including my dad) are historically not very touchy with each other. Itâs never really been a thing or an issue, but Iâd guess that goes back longer than I can remember. And in conjunction with the emotional shut down, if there wasnât a healthy amount of physical touch and affection, of course I my inner child turned adult would crave it (as we saw in the previous post).
So the anger came out, along with all that clarity. Thatâs a lot to work with, and I appreciate every layer we uncover. Healing the past and future (especially since I have a seven year old boy) one wave at a time:)Â
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~ Meghan Shannon Elder @wildspiritualride @zachshalack
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